Look, sit down with Uncle Forbes here a second. Pull up a chair, grab that bottle of Wild Turkey 101 proof or whatever you got. Give me it, stop saying you won’t because you will, and look at it my way.
Here’s the story, toots. Indies usually suck. I know that you in your hipster art school class of communism you’re thinking, “Oh my god, its outside the corporate system, they’re free thinkers doing it for the art, it’s golden stuff. Maybe you being so influenced by the matrix don’t get,…” yadda yabba do. I get that. Give me the drink. Did you mix it? Who said for you to mix it? Damn it, I said- anyway, here’s the point sweetheart.
The point is that Indies, whether they are bands, or books, or movies, usually are terrible. There’s multiple reasons for this that I won’t get into. Except I will. They lack trained directors. They don’t have good actors. It’s terribly unoriginal and sounds suspiciously like Harry Potter fan fiction or bad Fleetwood Mac songs. They have- hey, where are you going? I got another hour on the clock, I just checked, don’t go for the door- they have incompetent writers putting out stupidity.
Look, I don’t like to talk crap about other works because I’m a gentleman, but you know what I’m talking about. For every wunderkid book or movie to come through as independent (such as, ahem, “Wool” or, ahem uh, some cool movie, independent something) there’s a lot of crap. I was subjected to this the other day. You see, I hang out with my friend *REDACTED* at his house and I think he has some sort of black box illegal device thing that had all the movies out in theaters as of RIGHT FREAKING NOW and we watch all the latest movies during the middle of week because I have a flexible schedule and he’s doing his own thing which I won’t get into. And somehow we decided to start watching *REDACTED*, which is a pile of regurgitated muskrat poop. I’m not kidding. It had the guy from the “Goonies” and “Lord of the Rings”, Sean Astin AKA Samwise Gamgee, being a hitman/catholic priest who kills a African-American guy in a nightclub bathroom (which looked suspiciously like a high school gym locker room) while wearing full vestments. And Danny Glover was there. And the guy who was “Bullet Tooth Tony” in “Snatch” and Mischa Barton for some reason. And the film was a giant pile of excrement. My friend is pretty easygoing about films to watch but even he was like “I’m done with this, let’s watch Ant-Man” and I was like “Ant-Man, that’s out in theaters” and then its like “Well, I have an illegal black black box thing, shut up”. I looked up *REDACTED* and it had horrible reviews on IMDB.com. And it was a total independent, which made sense because I had never, ever, ever, heard of this movie. And I thought to myself, well, for every interesting independent movie, there’s 5,000 others that are just complete celluloid garbage.
And yes, I have a point. Same thing with books. Let’s be honest, most independent, self-published, whatever, books, are honestly crap. I’m being honest. I know you don’t like to hear this. You think you’ll be some big time actress some day instead of this escort I found working the bar at the Long Beach Hilton. I KNOW. But sometimes the quality isn’t there. It just isn’t. There’s typos, there’s odd and conflicting plot points, there’s characterizations that make every main person in the story seem like schizophrenic who lost their medication, there’s nothing interesting and no real emotion to tie you into the story. There’s odd chronology jumps and flashbacks within flashbacks. I get it. I think. What I’m saying is, here at Apocalypse Weird, we got quality. We really do. We got people who have been published by the big publishers, if that gives you relief. We also got eager up and comers who have poured their hearts and souls into the process. We are backed by a start up company that will be one day a household name. If you knew that those garage freaks would end up being Apple one day, you’d happily indulge yourself with their first products, right? Think of it the same way. You’re investing in the future Apple Company back in ’75 when Steve Jobs was just a dirty hippie instead of a cold Bond Villain that he later became.
Isn’t that awesome? You’ll be seeing the future of writing as it happens when you get an Apocalypse Weird book. And you can tell your hipster friends you knew of Apocalypse Weird before it was Apocalypse Weird. It’s like if you knew of Stephen King when he was printing out lewd pamphlets denying the divinity of Christ and advocating child sacrifice before he blackmailed that guy who finally published “Carrie” his first novel. Isn’t that sweet?
Now let’s go read some of these people and then go hot-tubbing. There’s 45 minutes left.